The Chicago Solution

Having spent most of my adult life around attorneys and cops, and having started my career as a legal secretary back in the day when law was fun, I was recently reminded of some of the more creative, funnier things we did. And, even though lawyers thought they had all the brains, the police stories I’ve heard were even more creative. Since all the players will remain unnamed . . . enjoy!

One of those friends of a friend, a real brain surgeon, sold her car to some guy and didn't take the plates off. When she started getting parking tickets, she got all upset and didn't know what to do. The Chicago solution? Since we knew where the guy lived, black spray paint applied to the license plates solved that little problem!

Then there was the elusive defendant who managed to evade the sheriff's efforts at service. I hired my friend's boyfriend, a private process server, who, given it was Easter, bought a lily at the Jewel, rang the bell and said he had a floral delivery. The missus met him in the hallway, all a-twitter about the surprise flowers . . . he gave her the plant, and handed her the summons, announcing (no shit), "You've been served!" We laughed ourselves silly all the way home!

And the client who didn’t keep overtime records, instead paying his mostly Hispanic restaurant staff in cash and food when they worked overtime. Everything’s fine, everybody’s happy until some white boy came along, got mad at the owner and turned him in to the DOL. After much time and effort, a settlement was reached, checks were prepared and explanatory letters mailed out to all the employees. Talk about legalese – I couldn’t even understand what the letter said. The finishing touch? Sent the letters by certified mail, return receipt requested, with a big red stamp on the envelope that said, “Official US Government Notice enclosed.” Nary an employee showed up to claim their letters (or their checks), we went back to the judge and explained the situation, the client got his money back and everyone went back to overtime for cash and food!

Cops were a little more vicious in their fun – a white kid who violated curfew got unceremoniously dumped in the middle of the projects (or a black kid dropped off in the middle of an unwelcoming white neighborhood) many blocks from home, and told “Good night and good luck!”

A wife abuser was made to clean up the mess he had made in their apartment, wash the dishes, give his wife a bath, clean her wounds and put her to bed, all while the cop supervised. He was then ordered to leave the apartment for the night, with the ominous warning, “If I get called back here again tonight . . .”

A young sergeant who thought he was going to tell a station full of old-timers how things were done came out to find all four of the tires on his personal car flattened, in the district parking lot, no less!

Three little white girls who got caught shoplifting at Old Navy were handcuffed to one of the officer’s favorite crack whores and unceremoniously thrown (sobbing and sniffling) into the back of a paddy wagon for a ride to the station.

Ah, yes. The Chicago Solution.