My Bus Poop Story

In my former life, while working in Chicago, I rode the No. 22 Clark Street bus to and from work. It made its way through various and sundry neighborhoods and had passengers ranging from downtown professionals to Bug House Square hookers, from Boys’ Town residents to assorted bums and drunks. It was generally SRO during rush hour, full of hot, tired, cranky people.

One evening I was lucky enough to get a seat near the front of the bus, but unlucky enough to be seated next to The Blind Beggar, who was well-known in the Loop for his well-aimed pinches of selected women’s derrières. Much discussion was had about his apparent selective sight or lack thereof! I sighed and opened my newspaper, hoping he’d get off before too long, hoping he wouldn’t try to talk to me and hoping he wouldn’t pinch me if I exited before he did.

We were about two-thirds of the way home, and several people exited the front door of the bus. Suddenly, I smelled a really terrible smell, heard people making all kinds of disgusted noises and watched passengers begin moving rapidly toward the back of the bus. Then I looked and I saw a neat little pile of – how can I say this – human excrement, on the top step of the bus’ front entrance. The bus driver slammed the door shut on passengers who were trying to board, motioning them to move away so he could leave. People were cursing at him, yelling at him to let them on, but he refused to reopen the door. Blind Beggar begs for an explanation – “What’s wrong? What’s that smell? Is someone sick?” – the driver screams at him to stay seated. The rest of us are crowded together at the back of the bus as it speeds toward a CTA barn a few blocks down the street. The driver runs stops signs, and speeds past bus stops, refusing to stop to let people on or off. The Blind Beggar is still plaintively whining, “What’s wrong? What’s that smell?”

By now, the rest of us are laughing hysterically, discussing how in the world someone could have made such a neat little pile, with comments ranging from hilarious to downright disgusting. We finally came to the consensus that it had to have been a woman wearing a dress and no underwear!

The bus swerved into the barn depot, and the driver shouted to some maintenance workers to come give him a hand. When the other CTA employees heard what had happened, they doubled over with laughter, hooting and hollering, while the poor driver begged them to get some equipment to clean up his bus.

We were finally able to exit the bus, through the back door only, mind you, and I walked the rest of the way home, laughing my head off. Only on the #22! Can you beat that one, Amishlaw?